Filling my bucket
Filling my bucket
By Tara Fitzgerald
Our featured contributor and writer this week is Tara Fitzgerald. Tara is a boldly curious public health worker, committed to a health-systems approach that strengthens the well-being of the whole population. Lately, what excites her is developing her voice as a writer, weaving in her personal experiences with her professional learnings. The beat of her drum, the story that she wants to tell is about being a parent in complex times, raising two strong little girls (that just happen to be twins).
Tara Fitzgerald has worked in community and public health since 2005. Tara is boldly curious, and committed to a health-systems approach that strengthens the well-being of the whole population. She believes we can best support, protect and strengthen our communities by increasing and sustaining the resources dedicated to addressing inequities in health. Tara works as a Director of Public Health, with Island Health (the health authority on Vancouver Island). Lately, what excites her is developing her voice as a writer, weaving in her personal experiences with her professional learnings. The beat of Tara's drum, and the story she wants to tell, is about raising two strong little girls (who happen to be twins), in these complex times.
Sometimes moms feel lost too
Sometimes, when things are hard, I feel lost….like I don’t know which way is up and every direction feels down. I feel like I have a dark cloud following me around...like an unfriendly companion. I feel heavy, weighted down by worries that press on my shoulders and make me feel small. When I feel lost, I start to search...I try to look for things to make me feel safe and secure. I try new things to reinvent myself into a better version. Sometimes, when things are really bad, I just lie in bed and watch the clouds pass by, taking big breaths for a minute until the lost feeling gets a little less powerful. Sometimes, I just need a few minutes to breathe.
But, as a mom, I can’t stay lost for long. My kids need me to be strong and to show them the way. So, I tuck the lost feelings away, brush away the dark cloud and make lunches, go to work and try to deal with it later….right now, I have more important things to deal with. I’m a mom, afterall.
Artist Credit: Ada Fitzgerald
Ava's fizz goes pop
Ava and Ella are 7, which must feel like a frustrating age. Too young to do things on your own but too old to do some things that feel comfy and cozy. Being 7 comes with responsibilities, like chores. Being 7 means you’re old enough to know that you really can watch shows before 4pm. Being 7 means that you want to do things your very own way. Being 7 also means you can’t always do everything you want, your very own way, when you want to do it.
Ava has big feelings. At school and at daycare afterschool, she keeps these feelings tucked away.
She listens, she learns, she smiles, she plays, she helps her friends, she answers the teacher.
She cleans up,
lines up,
sits down,
quiets down.
When things feel too bossy or too lonely, or too much or too little, she swallows those feelings, like a big gulp of air. Sometimes she feels like a bottle of fizzy water, ready to burst, by the time she gets home. All day long there are big people telling her what to do, how to do it, and when. She can’t even go to the bathroom without asking.
When she gets home, sometimes, that fizz starts to pop.
“I JUST WANT TO WATCH TV” she wails.
“WHY DO I HAVE TO TIDY UP” she shouts.
“I DON’T WANT TO” she argues.
I try to get her to settle, her dad tries, her sister tries. And, finally, when she is out of fizz, she seems flat, there is no pop left.
”....why does everyone get upset with me?”...she whispers as she cries.
And, because we both need it, I hug her and say, “Take a deep breath. You’re a good kid and I love you so much. Sometimes our feelings get bigger than we can handle. Some days we just fizz and pop a little.”
Weekends are fun
Weekends mean no work for us (most of the time) and no school or daycare for the kids; less stress, less places to be, less pressures, more choices, more time to be together as a family, and more laughter. Weekends are fun.
We live in a magical place, surrounded by ocean, with salmon racing through the rivers, and forests full of blackberries, huckleberries and our favorite: mushrooms. Weekends are a time for all of us to let go and get some exercise.
“Why do we always have to exercise?” they grumble.
“We need to keep our minds and bodies healthy and strong” is what i always tell the girls.
“But it’s so boring” they complain.“
Why are there so many hills?” they ask.
“My legs are too tired” they whine.
Getting my girls outside is sometimes a struggle. I don’t want to beg and plead with them or waste our weekends arguing. I don't want more pressure, stress, or conflict. We already have enough of that, during the week.
I want to enjoy them (the weekends and the girls!).
I want more fun. We need it.
Artist Credit: Ava Fitzgerald
Nature treasure hunt (by Ava)
I can’t wait for the weekend! No school,no daycare, less rules and people telling me what to do. Weekends are special because me and Ella get mommy and daddy to ourselves, all day long.
On the weekends, mommy and daddy say ‘it’s important we get outside and get some exercise because they have to sit in an office all week. I can’t imagine sitting all day. How borrrring. . At school, we do the monkey bars - sometimes, I get blisters on my hands and my arms feel like spaghetti. I can even hang upside down by my ankles! We play tag on the playground and chase our friends; my sister Ella and I are pretty fast. We run and laugh and play, play, play.
Sometimes, on the weekend, Mommy and Daddy want us to go biking, or hiking, or walking, and Ella and I don’t want to. We just want to play with our toys in our playroom and make up gameson our own. We don’t get to do that during the week because we have to go to school and daycare.
One time, when we were on a boring old hike, we found a surprise: a bright orange mushroom. Daddy said mushrooms always grow in patches, so keep looking for more. We found another, and another. We kept looking, and kept finding. It was so exciting! We found them under leaves, hidden under ferns, poking out of the ground. We even found some growing under fallen logs; it was like we were on a nature treasure hunt!
We walked and walked and hiked all day and it was FUN!
The forest was full of hidden mushrooms!
You never find just one mushroom
The girls don’t like walking or hiking, but mushroom picking, which conveniently involves both, makes us all happy. Their feet hit the floor in the morning and they quickly get geared up (splash pants, waterproof coats, an extra change of clothes - you never know what could happen mushroom picking) and pack water and snacks into their backpacks. They even ask me if I have my mushroom cutting knife and bucket and help me pack my backpack.
We hop into the truck and drive deep into the forest, looking for the big trees that mushrooms like best. When we find our magic spot, they crash through the bushes, climb over huge logs, peek under lush green ferns, and dig through the bright green moss.
Ella likes mushrooms but Ava LOVES mushrooms. She loves to read about them, and she loves hunting for them. Sometimes, she even likes to eat mushrooms. She fancies herself a seven year old mycologist (a person who studies mushrooms).
Chanterelles are Ella and Ava’s favorite mushrooms to find. They are bright orange and stand out amongst the dark green and brown of the forest floor. They grow in groups.
“You never find just one mushroom!” says Ava, “you just have to keep your eyes open”.
Creating our own adventure (by Ava)
I love mushroom picking. It’s exciting to find bright orange mushrooms. Sometimes they’re even in big patches, like flowers! . I love exploring the forest, making our own paths and creating our own adventure. When we are mushroom picking, no one tells us what to do or how to do it; we work as a team, spotting and picking. Our bucket gets fuller and fuller.
I like mushroom picking because we get to adventure and explore. I like the fresh air of the forest, the sounds of the trees, the little bugs I find, and - most of all - I like spotting and picking mushrooms. I’m really good at finding them; mom says I have eagle eyes. I think my mom is the happiest when we are mushroom picking. We all are.
Filling our buckets
Things have been hard for me lately and I’ve felt like I have a dark cloud following me around. Sometimes, it feels like the stress and pressure of work is stealing my energy, hiding my joy and leaving me with an empty bucket.
That cloud disappears when our family is together in the forest. On the weekend, when we are combing the forest floor, looking for treasured hints of bright orange, surrounded by dark green trees, soaking up the fresh mountain air - I am happy. We are happy. Together. I love hearing the girls’ laughter, seeing their smiles and watching them explore the forest - it fills my heart.
"Mama, look how full our buckets are getting!” Ava says with carefree excitement.
“They sure are,” I say with a contented sigh, realizing that while we fill our buckets with mushrooms, my heart is also filling with joy. The stress, expectations and obligations feel less intense - like opening a bottle of fizzy water and letting out the pressure.
I thought I was lost but I was just looking in the wrong direction. I had been feeling shattered by expectations and pressure and not able to see the joy I was surrounded by. My girls taught me that when you’re feeling empty and you can’t find your way up from down, there are still ways you can fill your bucket. I love that Ava and Ella see the joy in life: they spot funny animal shapes in the dark clouds and see rainy days as a great time to play in puddles. Sometimes, I have to search for happiness but my kids seem to find it more naturally. Just like they are better at spotting mushrooms, they have a special way of finding and sharing joy - teaching me how to see things differently and fill my heart (while they fill their bucket with mushrooms).
Tara Fitzgerald is a health equity advocate on BC’s Vancouver Island. She resides on the traditional territories of the Ligwiłda’xw people; the We Wai Kai, Wei Wai Kum and Kwiakah First Nations. Vancouver Island’s Campbell River is where she calls home. She moved here six years ago from Treaty One Territory - Winnipeg Manitoba. Her partner’s grandmother and mother are proud members of the Snuneymuxw Nation of the Coast Salish People and their children self-identify as First Nations. Tara is currently in the process of creating a collection of children's stories that invites us to remember there is much to learn through the experiences of a child.
